Family Matters
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You Marry a Family
Family Does Matter very much to any bride, her family and the family she is marrying into. That’s why we have public weddings in the first place, to share the happiness with our family and friends. But the other side of that expression is that Family often Creates Matters that the bridal couple needs to navigate.
Traaaditiooon! Tradition, -ba-ba-ba-ba-ba TRADITION!!
Fiddler on The Roof – the best example of a great story that tells the tale of how family and weddings jive or don’t. Any bridal couple has to find a way to balance her Families’ respect for tradition with their own wishes to present themselves for this public expression of the start of their married life together.
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Including Family in the planning
It's hard for a bride to include anyone in her wedding choices. She is either overwhelmed by all the requests from family or labeled a bridezilla for insisting on "her" way. It's a delicate balance for sure, but important to any couple to negative, because you will be dealing with this new family for the rest of your life.
Dealing with Disappointment
So, what if a valued family member or longtime friend doesn't want to be included in your wedding joy? Maybe they refuse to answer your RSVP because they can't bring their children or a new spouse, or significant other. A bride and groom need to see other people's issues as theirs, not yours. You have enough to think about in wedding planning to let someone's issues taint your happy day. Take a step back and look at the situation, if you can find a way to include them on your terms, that's great. If not, don't let it spoil your joy. Wedding planning is a microcosm of what you will face for the rest of your life together. Set the spirit here for the 2 of you to talk these issues out, find a path forward, then move on.
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The Unexpected
We expect our Friends and Family to behave at their best for our celebration and it's disheartening when someone goes off their rocker and threatens to spoil our carefully planned day. Maybe they do bring unruly children when specifically told not to or show up with that despised ex-girlfriend who you haven't found a way to forgive. What do you do then. It's sad but wise to plan for the unexpected. A professional wedding planner has seen many situations and has successful advice to share that an inexperienced couple can well use. I'd advise every bridal couple to hire one. When the dreaded unexpected thing become reality, they can be your scapegoat and handle the issue with graciousness and charm. A Seasoned Wedding Planner is well worth what they charge to protect your happy day and keep it blissful. Insurance you want to have.
Be Outstanding but don't Stand Out
Family members, especially moms, have a quandary in choosing their garment for a wedding. It has ever been proper etiquette to let the bride be the focal point and THE most beautiful person at the wedding, but you also want to look GOOD. To avoid outshining your bride, think of it as being Outstanding, but NOT Standing Out.
Divorced Parent Dynamic
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It is widely known that 50% of marriages end in divorce. We can therefore conclude that there is a 75% chance that 1 or both sets of bridal/groom parents at a wedding will be divorced. This takes on an even more difficult dynamic if 1 of these divorced parents has recoupled or even remarried and the other has not.
This can lead to all sorts of difficulties with hurt/unresolved feelings and the dredging up of old conflicts. I have witnessed and heard of countless stories of bad behavior at weddings by one or both divorced parents and/or their new partner(s). I have also seen and heard of poor behavior from marrying couples. All of you are supposed to be adults and need to act accordingly.
To deal with this dynamic, I refer to the advice of my number 1 Sage: Judge Judith Sheindlin, "Divorced Parents should love their children more than they hate each other."
Parents need to restrain themselves for the sake of their children, not only when they are still young in’s, but through their whole lives and certainly during their nuptials.
On a wedding day, Love should rule everyone’s behavior. Selfishness and unresolved issues need to be set aside. The happiness of the marrying couple and sharing that joy with family, however that is defined, is the only benchmark.
The Mother Wave
Most brides want help making decisions for their all-important gown choices. After picking THE dress, there are many decisions to make for the fitting and bustling that most engaged women have little experience or preparation for. For some, this is the first dress they have ever worn, let alone it being a formal gown. So, they look to "Mom" for advice.
I will never be a mother of a Bride, but I have watched many moms over my 40 plus career in the bridal industry and I have noticed a trend. At the start of my working with brides, they always brought Mom to their fittings, and even the occasional Dad. Through the years I have seen brides bring a Stepmom or Grandma, then some moms-in-Law-to-be have filtered in and then Trusted friends or even a sister or 2. Most recently, brides are meeting me alone.
It is always the bride's wish to get positive input on her choices, but it doesn't always end up that way. Often, clashes are these "Moms' " personalities that arise that leave a bride baffled and confused.
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The Riptide
Dealing with an overbearing personality in your "Mom" is difficult during wedding planning and certainly at your bridal gown fittings. Her advice might be rooted in tradition where you and your groom might want a more informal occasion. Same goes for the bridal gown choices for hemming, fitting and bustling. Moms often get outspoken during a fitting, and the bride can end up dazed and confused. Not a pleasant experience for her or me, as I try to steer her toward wise choices. I will listen to a mom, but I always guide the conversion back to the bride and keep the focus on her desires.
The Ebb Tide
If Moms are giving only negative comments during the bridal fittings, it places the bride in a poor mood.
Sure, it's important to be honest but pointing out a negative item must be balanced with giving solution options. I do my best to interpret several solutions for the bride to choose from, never just dictate what she "has to" do.
The Flood Tide
The Flood Tide, an abundance of positive support, can also be overwhelming if the bride is seeing little flaws she'd like to fix and may feel she is being ignored.
Here, I try to point out items I am seeing and again give options for fixes until the bride can smile and say the gown looks and feels perfect to her.
One Stepmother's Saga
The wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready, and nothing could dampen Jennifer's excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother, Sheila, finally found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother of the bride EVER!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn her new young stepmother, Barbie, had purchased the same dress. She asked Barbie to exchange the dress, but Barbie refused, "Absolutely not! I'm going to wear this dress; I'll look like a million in it!"
Jennifer told her mother, who graciously replied, "Never mind dear. I'll get another dress, after all it's your special day, not hers."
Two weeks later, another dress was finally found. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "What are you going to do with the first dress? Maybe you should return it. You don't have any place to wear it."
Sheila grinned and replied, "Of course, I do, dear! I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"
Departed Parents
As it is sometimes difficult dealing with divorced parents, it is often difficult dealing with a missing parent. If the bride's father has passed, who walks her down the aisle? If the groom's Mom has passed, who does he share the Groom/Mom dance with?
I have seen many ways that marrying couples honor their missing, but still loved parents:
I have seen many ways that marrying couples honor their missing, but still loved parents:
Keepsake Jewelry
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Either bride or groom can wear an article of jewelry from the deceased parent, or the bride can have it in her bouquet or sewn onto her keepsake garter.
Placement Sign
A well-placed sign marking the missing Parent can be placed in their Pew Seat or their place at the reception table. It can be handmade or there are many companies that offer lovely, personalized signage. Here are just a few I found on Etsy:
A draping banner
A picture plaque
A framed notice
A self standing table sign
A self standing floor sign
A wooden sign
Balloon
Some may think this silly, but I saw a video of an outdoor wedding where the bride carried a simple, white, helium balloon down the aisle to represent her departed Dad. When she got to the front and met her groom, she released the balloon. It made me cry.
TikTok video
